The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
