Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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