i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
