Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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