I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Randomize
