if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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