Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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