he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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