I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
