Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
