Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
