You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
