My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
