The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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