He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why can't burritos get me drunk
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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