I can tuck mytits in my pants
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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