I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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