My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
