I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
