he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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