there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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