Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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