my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
