I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
