The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
