I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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