the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
