I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
accomplished twins. life is a go
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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