The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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