I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My ATM looks so different sober.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
