The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
