I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
