Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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