Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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