I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
