Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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