Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
