More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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