A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
