Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
