I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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