he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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