Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
