My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
