just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize