Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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