No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
