that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
