Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
