I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This house was built for laser tag.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
