Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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