Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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