I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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