Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
