Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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