after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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